---
title: The Legal Alternative
teaser:
tags: fun
author: Eric Mill
published_on: 2007-07-13
---

[![''](http://images.thoughtbot.com/ui/2007-7-13-floyd_1.jpg)](http://images.thoughtbot.com/ui/2007-7-13-floyd_1.jpg)

thoughtbot prides itself on exploring a variety of methods of boosting
productivity.  Recently we discovered an [illegal
substance](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaine_%28drink%29) at a nearby health
food store, and almost all of us have at least sampled its effects.  A few of
us, however, have continued to consume it.  In reality this few of us consists
of only me.  Join me as I go through the motions of writing, to take up enough
space to justify showing photos.

The first thing you notice about Cocaine is the very real burning in the back of
your throat.  The second thing you notice is the also real burning in the middle
of your throat.  This is followed by a third burning where the esophagus meets
the stomach, and concluded by a joyful **true burn** in the pit of your stomach.

[![''](http://images.thoughtbot.com/ui/2007-7-13-torrey.jpg)](http://images.thoughtbot.com/ui/2007-7-13-torrey.jpg)

After you're finished suffering, you may experience a feeling of energy,
quaking, and creativity.  These sensations prompted me to take poor camera phone
shots of my coworkers, during our daily struggles and tragedies, as poster
children for Cocaine's potent formula and philosophy.  The set in full is on [my
Flickr
account](https://www.flickr.com/photos/64445411@N00/sets/72157600786511592/).

To drink Cocaine as a regular habit imbues your daily life with an unnatural
paranoia.  Walking down the street and discussing the matter is not simple; I
have to keep my ears to the ground for the **sounds of law**.  People have been
coming through here for interviews, since [we're
hiring](http://thoughtbot.com/jobs) and all, and when talking with them about
what we do here, I simply do not feel like I can be frank with them.  I have
something to hide.

[![''](http://images.thoughtbot.com/ui/2007-7-13-jared.jpg)](http://images.thoughtbot.com/ui/2007-7-13-jared.jpg)

The gentlemen running the store where we purchased the devil liquid is a jovial
man, who is fully aware of his tenuous legal position and enjoying every minute
of it as the cash rolls his way.  He told me the burning sensation is from
[Cayenne peppers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cayenne_pepper) ground into the
fluid, but the ingredients list is not backing up his claim.  My explanation for
the pain is that it is our sin.

You'll have an easier time finding Cocaine under its new name, \_\_\_\_\_, or
Insert Name Here:.  If you know which health food store I'm talking about, where
I found it under its banned name, don't bother going.  I've cleaned it out.  And
I drank everything I bought.  But I'm done with it now anyway.  I don't need it
to have a good time.  I don't need it to lower my inhibitions.  I'm doing just
fine without it.  I won't be looking for another source.  But if you do know of
one, feel free to comment here.